AA Universe - Simple Shorts: For the Benefit of Society

[mns_95125]

I have a critical comment about verb tense. Usually in comics the text boxes used to describe events and provide context are written in the present tense. The main exception to this is when a story is being narrated in flashback form, as is the case in the "What Makes A Hero" story, or the prologue to "For The Benefit Of Society". You've generally gotten this correct, but in the two main chapters of "For The Benefit Of Society" you've slipped up in a number of places and written these text boxes in past tense instead. That tends to pull the reader out of the story by making the whole thing feel slightly 'off''. This should be fairly easy to get right; I hate to see stories I enjoy marred by things that would be easy to catch with a decent editing pass.

See what happens when you ask for criticism? Sometimes you get some.

I'm also curious to see how closely you'll hew to the plot of the original story. Given his stated goal of enslaving Irish Justice, it would seem odd for Digitalus to merely transfer her powers to his 'Number Two' as was done in "The Balance". Sure, she seems loyal to him now, but why take chances? If I were in his shoes I'd have a bit of extra programming mixed in with the power transfer -- unbeknownst to Number Two, of course...

[dumbtime]

but in the two main chapters of "For The Benefit Of Society" you've slipped up in a number of places and written these text boxes in past tense instead.

Yeah, that's my fault. I'm still a novice at this. I think I just mixed my self up with the tense on this one as I have been writing parts of the origins story and the other narrated Simple Shorts in the past tense. I do have have someone look over and proofread the update for grammatical errors but not so much style errors. As I recall though, I think they did mention a brief something to me about the tense being in the past and not the present. I'm having a hard time deciding to stay with the past tense and keep consistency witht the first 2 parts or move back to the present tense.

I'm also curious to see how closely you'll hew to the plot of the original story. Given his stated goal of enslaving Irish Justice, it would seem odd for Digitalus to merely transfer her powers to his 'Number Two' as was done in "The Balance". Sure, she seems loyal to him now, but why take chances? If I were in his shoes I'd have a bit of extra programming mixed in with the power transfer -- unbeknownst to Number Two, of course...

Trust me when I say that Digitalus has a plan, a deep demented dark plan that he thinks is right 'for the benefit of society.' It will flesh out more and more as the story goes on. I'd give a hint here about Number Two but you've been very astute so far and I don't want to ruin what's instore for her and for your enjoyment.

If you haven't checked out Digi's bio, look here at this link to get a tad bit of background about him. http://metrobay.wetpaint.com/page/Digitalus

I can say this as a hint about Dr. Digitalus, he doesn't like objects and situations surrounding those objects where he doesn't have complete control over them, especially women. This comes from his intense desire to excel and his scorned rejection at the hands of Marcy Smith. Unlike his role model, Dr. Ted Twiss, Digitalus doesn't target the specific woman that caused his pain. He looks for the oppurtunity to exact his desires on the victim of circumstance.

[mns_95125]

I'm having a hard time deciding to stay with the past tense and keep consistency witht the first 2 parts or move back to the present tense.

I'd recommend moving to the correct tense going forward. Just because an error has crept in doesn't mean you need to propagate it further. There's actually a mix of past and present tense in the earlier chapters, so full consistency isn't an attainable goal at this point anyhow.

Trust me when I say that Digitalus has a plan, a deep demented dark plan...

Ah, so he's a Cylon. I can live with that.

I can say this as a hint about Dr. Digitalus, he doesn't like objects and situations surrounding those objects where he doesn't have complete control over them, especially women.

A control freak with a plan and a mind-control machine. Hey, what's not to like?

[dumbtime]

Yes, I'm only 25 hours over my friday deadline. I guess being late is turning into my signature. oh well. Here's the update. Enjoy it.

Update Synopsis:
Now that Dr. Digitalus and his assistant have successfully captured Dora and were able to siphon the Irish Justice suit out of the mystic green cloud that surrounds Dora when she calls for it, what else could they have in store for the helpless vigilante now. Let see what the next day brings.

http://www.mccomix.com/gallery2/main.php?g2_itemId=9902

[Tecknophyle]

Those car billboards unfortunately looked awful in the overhead shot. I think you'd have been better off not using them.

Much better on the accent.

[dumbtime]

Those car billboards unfortunately looked awful in the overhead shot. I think you'd have been better off not using them.

Much better on the accent.

Yeah, I went for the cheap and easy in that scene. I can't afford to buy all the car figures right now that it would take to make the busy street intersection look busy so i went with the fakes. I used what I could to make a good transition scene.

I'm glad the change in the accent went better. i'm still trying to keep her with more of a hard dialogue to resemble a little of the south boston edge. You can say its a work in progress for me to do, but i like challenges like that, it helps the learning curve.

[Tecknophyle]

One thing that you might want to use to your benefit (and you've sort of done it, although I don't know if it was intentional) is that people under stress will sometimes lapse to their original accent if they're using a different one they picked up later in life. You can sometimes see this with actors imitating a different accent: in some scenes their accent slips.

[Trishbot]

Very sexy. I can see naughty things in store for Irish Justice...

[mns_95125]

I agree that the ramped-down accent makes the story easier to read.

This installment feels more transitional than the prior one. We're being set up for something good, but the real payoff is still to come. I do have one critical observation. Number Two says she's using the ball gag on Irish Justice so she won't have to listen to her while they're in the car. But she already has full control over IJ's body -- so why doesn't that include her mouth? If Number Two wants Irish Justice to shut up, why not just tell her to shut up? It seems like an odd oversight on Number Two's part.

[dumbtime]

In part 2, The neckpiece was made the control center of the nanobytes that are in her suit and boots. Irish Justice will be getting a good explanation in the next part about how it works as well as some of the future plans her present company has instore for her. That's all I'll say about that. You're along for the ride with Irish Justice.

[dumbtime]

Good day fellow MC fans at McComix
Today is a good day, at least for me it is. I actually had today's update finished yesterday. Can u believe it? LOL
Hopefully, this is the beginning of good timing that continues on.

Now for the update:

Update Synopsis: Part 4
After being ensnared by a well planned trap, Dora rides back with Number Two to an unknown location. She is completely unable to control her body anywhere below her Irish Justice collar. Slight amnesia from the night before has Dora/Irish Justice completely clueless as to what is going on. That and the loss of her muscle control is causing her to seem a little unsettled and freaked out. Let's see how she handles meeting whom every it was that planned the trap for her to fall into.

http://www.mccomix.com/gallery2/main.php?g2_itemId=9144

[dumbtime]

Now that I've moved up to the big time, I have to make sure it does get to my head. LOL. Don't fret, though, I'm still going to be the same old fallible DT that will does his best to keep you folks here at McComix entertained.

As for that, I'm here to announce that the Simple Short series, "For the Benefit of Society," will be moving from the free gallery to the members gallery and will continue the delightful misfortune of the vigilante know as 'Irish Justice.'

Also, a new members series called 'Freedom Duo' will debut on 10/12 and will showcase the mind controlled misadventures of the duo known as Freedom Broad and Freedom Girl. As you can tell, this will be events that happened before Freedom Girl left for Grrl Power in Metrobay and was tricked into becoming Wesley Mitchell's wife (http://memberslogin.hipcomix.com/galler ... emId=90140) and before Freedom Broad switched her monkier to 'American Amazon.' (Tasty Treats, part 7)

Keep your eyes peeled, as well, for an actual American Amazon solo series appearing in the members gallery sometime soon in 2011.

[dumbtime]

Hello McComix fan and welcome to Dumbtime’s official first post as the real deal.

Today we have the fifth installment of “For the Benefit of Society.” This story started out as a free comic but I have decide to move it over to the payside. I will continue the Origins story on the free side periodically but any Simple Short from now on will be on the payside.

Synopsis:
Last we saw Dora, she was captured in an elaborate trap by the mysterious Number Two. Take against her will to Digitalus’ laboratory; she stands at the mercy of the good doctor. The only problem is the doctor doesn’t seem to have any mercy in his ‘good’ intentions as his plans for Irish Justice unfolds. Find out how sinister they might be in the 5th episode of “For the Benefit of Society.”

http://www.mccomix.com/members/gallery2 ... emId=14870

[Tecknophyle]

A few typos (well, one anyway), but otherwise good. I do have to raise the issue about captions repeating what's being seen (it's one of my major bugaboos). "She complies. She walks over and sits down." Well, yes, it's obvious she did that because there she is, sitting down over there.

[dumbtime]

Hello MCcomix fan.
It’s Tuesday and I have the update ready to go and on time for a change.

Hopefully you guys are ready for a new update of “For the Benefit of Society – Part 6”

Synopsis:
They’ve taken control of her body. They’ve worked her mind and libido over with the doctor’s mind bending machine until her brain nearly short circuited, and now, its time to begin the phase that will finish her off. In this update Dora is being sent back to her apartment for the next phase of the operation. There she will meet her worst nightmare. Come one, come all and find out what the horror is that the doomed heroine is about to face.

http://www.mccomix.com/members/gallery2 ... emId=14879

Enjoy
DT